Wednesday, May 12, 2010

Just Beat It ! (Bottoms Up -part 2)

Here is the very first and the foremost GCO (Great Career Option, remember) that I introduce to you mortal earthlings.

Just like it was the west which found out the vast IT talent pool in our country, and rediscovered India - India became the hub, the spoke, the offshoring state, the smaller silicon valley (not the ones which Sushmita and the likes have) and you name it; It was also the west which foresaw another great Indian opportunity, which was to become the talk (or sound) of every home albeit this time in India itself.
Yes sir, it was in the mid 80's that MJ gave away the clue by singing BEAT IT! Not that our very own Industry experts could not sense it, infact Chintu AKA Rishi, pointed it  much before MJ - the advent of a great era, in his mind blowing and ear blasting performance of "Parbat kay Us Paar, Parbat kay iss paar, Goonj uthi Chhum Chhum". All the great masters sensed well in advance that coming was the time of  DHOL.

Yes, believe you me, THIS IS the hottest career move you will ever take - Pick up the Dhol, tabla, Damru, Tashay, Mridang, Bongo, Congo, Drum, or even a friggin CHIMTA (चिमटा) - start beating it insanely, and see what wonderful direction it curves your career into, if you have any that is.

Gone are the days of writing million codes of softwares for clients in the west in the day time, and then debugging them in the night - throw away the life limiting PC, and invest your time (which you have plenty, because you can take out time to read my blog) and money (if you are left with any, that is) in the machine of the future, and present - the great DHOL.

I know so far you think I am an Idiot, but trust me I am far better than the great management guru who is still counting his chicken. My theory is based on solid grounds, as solid as the story, on which Govinda's movie is based.
Remember the songs "dhol bajnay laga", "doli taro - Dhol bajay", "Nagada Nagada Nagada Baja" ? well they were the signs - and the real opportunity came when the movie DHOL was released (most of you might not remember even hearing the name, but thats not the point am making)- That was it, the flood gates to a great career in percussion was opened.
Mangat Ram, a dhol veteran, who played dhol a million times in punjabi weddings on "Yeh Desh hai Veer jawano ka, albelo ka mastaano ka", has come a long way. Now, senior lecturer at the JRDU (Jhantu Ram Dhol University - a school of dhol and drum established in remembrance of his father), says that many new avenues have come up where the dholwala or the dholkiwali's are required. Before other than tightly protected openings in the the Dhol brigade for wedding, there were only openings with the HMS (Hijda Maha Sabha - a group that dances at your altar, or in your lap, when you are blessed with a baby boy, or a girl,got married, or travelling in the train, and robs you off clean by demanding large sum, or some time even slapping (mostly in trains))
And then the dhol was popularised by the GMDD (Gunda Mawali Dundaa Dal) who made it a point to take the dhol (along with various other appendages like ustra, katta, chain and other various life threatening instruments) in the green park Kanpur, to watch  the Cricket match between India and.. any team. Soon it became a must have equipment along with the ticket (sometimes without tickets) at all the cricket playgrounds, without which the entry was banned (self imposed). Kallu kasai remembers very vividly, and fondly how he broke open his prized dhol on the head of Ghaplu goonga, the pakistan supporter, at the Feroze shah Kotla.

Circa 2005: A man emerged, who gave a clean image to the profession of beating the dhol or tabla. Our very own Surinder, who along mystic laugh तबला, और अपना बैंड बजवाता रहा , in the Great Indian Laughter Challenge. Soon this man was seen in almost anything that had to do with laughing, became the talk of the nation, and most revered in Punjab
That was it, beating profession took a ski jump, and never looked back
Present day, Location: Your house: TV Channel: Colors, Serial : does it matter? "Kya hogi teri uttran, choti bahu, na jaana is desh meri ladoo,  or any of the heart wrenching, eye squeezing serial - If you have observed - there are more dholwalas / tabla walas in the serial than the actual artists, infact these tablchi's are the real artist. That is the only reason why the actors have very less part to play apart from continuous sobbing, ogling, abusing, and exhibiting their wedding clothes (I wonder why they all are in their wedding clothes all the time, even when someone has died, or at bedtime). The real part is of the tabla- A man gets up (in his sunday best) and asks directions to relieve his bursting bladders, and just as he turns left, ghar ki bahu gets up and points to the right "Gusalkhana udhar hai" गुसलखाना उधर है ! That is it - the hell breaks loose, whole gathering looks at the bahu, almost 20 people including her husband, her devil nanad, nagin saas, haraami devar, haveli ram type sasur, and many mores - they all are shown bursting out emotions in their own ways of their character - the camera goes round and round, round of each actor, and also going in circles in the whole room. You close your eyes to avoid motion sickness, but your nerves start to explode because continuous and loud tabla beats, which go up and down in no fixed pattern.
Another scene: Husband is being served dinner by her lovely wife Sushila, when she suddenly asks aap Daal Aur lenge? आप दाल और लेंगे ? Thats the trigger point, the man is taken back 20 years before and the camera goes black and white, back to colour, flashes of red green and yellow showcase the return of Kummo ( Dileep's sister; don't ask me who Dileep is, for he himself doesn't know his identity) who used to ask in the similar fashion आप दाल और लेंगे ? And all this commotion happening in the middle of nerve wrecking cacophony of Tabla, Dhol, Dholak, Chimta, Bongo and what ever director could arrange in his meager budget. एक खाना खाने वाला, एक खाना परोसने वाली, और बहनचो**. पांच पांच बजाने वाले !
I cannot emphasize enough, but the household is incomplete without a personal dholki master. Personal trainer is a passe, and you better start looking ahead in the direction of taking up the dhol.
There are already talks in my neighbourhood, where Kulakshini Kamini Aunty is complaining to Seedhi Seema about her husband, how he has started bajaoing anything in site to keep the harmony of the family, just because they cant afford their own तबलची Tabalchi, not even on the weekends.
On the other hand, raunchy Ritu boasts how they have saved enough money already to get their own tabalchis, so that they can have their 2 square meals in the backdrop of violent drumming but soothing sounds, and when next time there is a party at there place, how proudly in front of everyone they would throw a punchline to their handpicked team of dhol masters - रुक क्यों गए ? बजाओ !

Who says that you cant have you own dhol and beat it too? While I am going to queue up in front of the COLORS studios with my dhol, I leave you with enough food for thought

बजाते रहो !

Friday, May 7, 2010

BOTTOMS UP - Part 1 Introduction

Fortune at the bottom of the Pyramid!

My Dear Professor C.K.Prahalad gave the world this mantra (may his soul rest in peace), and it opened the eye of the commercial world to this vast and big untapped market.. To explain in plain english -  the top 20%  in the society understood that they can achieve even greater heights if they can exploit the bottom 80%, who are lying at the bottom of the pyramid (Pyramid here refers to India, atleast in this report) This also explains why Reliance Infocomm had this Brand Slogan - "Kar Lo Duniya Muthhi Mein" - while half the damn bottom of pyramid was busy collecting hand sets for Rs 501, (under monsoon dhamaka scheme, you remember?), it was Mr. Ambani who had his own bottom well cushioned, and safe on the high way to the top of the Pyramid.

Unfortunately this whole damn mantra tells this TOP HEAVY Society how to play around with the large bottom, but what it has for the large bottom is unexplained, and yet to be fathomed by the Ivy League B-Schools' academics. But before they get on to it, burning midnight oil ( actually it is not required any more, one can easily get chinese LED lamps for 20 bucks, so why waste oil), and come out with 2500 pages long case study cum report on how the people residing at the bottom strata of Pyramid can climb on top, here is my take on how this can be achieved.
From the horses mouth, none other than yours truly, Prof Holy Smoke,(MBA, AMBA, AICTEE, CRE, EQUIS, etc etc like it matters!) here are the most lucrative career moves / options that one can make. This is my way of  rendering help to the society, because I promised my dad I will do something good for free, something for the upliftment of the masses (Not in tune with what Sushmita Sen did, who took this upliftment bit literally, and went on for silicon job).
This report is aptly called BOTTOMS UP, as it concentrates on those non conventional jobs and careers, that if taken up by our bhooki janta, would surely pull the bottom, up. But before I write those top career directions, I must warn you of few things, which are tacit in nature (but I still mention it here).

1. These career options are for the Indian Citizens only ( Also for bangladeshis, Nepalis, who have managed to get their Ration card made. For few Pakistanis who are in the hiding, can also try to apply, but you be the best judge)
2. Must Act fast - Once these commandments ( report) are out in the market, hundreds of millions of Indians, and our illegal immigrants with ration cards, are going to flock towards these new uncharted territories. While you might think that only you have read it here, book sellers at Mumbai VT and Churchgate (and similar ghettos at other cities)  would be selling illegal, cheap copies of this report  on re-recycled paper faster than you can think. So, act fast and grab the opportunity.
3. Very soon you would find many people talking against this report, and asking for the credibility of it, questioning its effectiveness.. Those very same people would be the people who are already in line, ahead of you - so have faith (not in me, but yourself please), and more sooner than later, you will see yourself climbing up the ladder, the ladder of success, money, recognition, fame, and what nots ( I see you have already started making a list of what you want !
4. Please do not try all the career options at once ! It is doubtful, that, if you behave like an insane camel ( never heard this term? well hear it now then), who after going in circle and circles in the desert, finally gives up, and is unable to find the exit to the oasis; Yes it is doubtful that if you try your hands (and heads in some cases) at all these Great Career Options (called GCOs for the purpose of brevity from now on) at once, you would succeed even at one. It is also doubtful that you follow my advice on this, for it is not your fault - the damn GCOs are sooo lucrative that you would go ecstatic- just like a monkey on hot bricks !!
5. Very Important: Please steer well clear of those peculiar people, who sport a pony tail, wear rimless glasses, talk MBA rubbish Jargon at every opportunity, and call themselves Management Guru. These kind of people are so much full of Bull, that they keep challenging every second person they meet by saying "Dare to think Beyond ***". Since they are in the habit of challenging everyone, they would definitely challenge this appraoch, written in BOTTOMS UP. To start with how can one come up with a punchline called "Count your chicken before they hatch"? It has to be a management guy only, who is very well familiar with the "Mark to Market Approach" (The very same method, which led to the down fall of ENRON). In todays world you cant count before they hatch, specially when you have damn bird flue to take care of, and considering the new bill government has passed - for all you know half your chicken are GAY, only you didn't know.  So Stay clear of anyone who even remotely looks like a management geek, and  for aroma / nasal comfort please stay clear of people who are in the poultry business - We are going to talk about GCOs, and not some damn chicken counting shit.

Even though my report writing skills are as fantastic as Spoken English of Shri Laloo Prasad, I must, in conformance with "Report Writing for Dummies" bought at Mumbai VT, end my Introduction Chapter here. But please do not forget to read my following chapters, which will open the gate for you to a new life, a life where you will be in control, and not some fat muchhad (apologies, if you are a fat muchhad (मोटा मुछुद्द)).
Let me pause for a day, before I let you know the way to the seeds of the Golden palms, so that you can collect yourself and be ready. So start dreaming!(Thats the power of this report, the confidence it generates in yourself, that you start dreaming already)- No wet dreams please !

Saturday, May 1, 2010

Identity Crisis !

Holy Smokes!! No I am not telling you my name, but its just a sigh signifying the amount of time it took me to name this damn blog, let alone write anything. After spending precisely 38 minutes and 22 seconds I could finally find a darn name thats not been taken yet. And its bound to happen this way.
साला ब्लॉग्गिंग में इतना क्रिसिस तो रियल लाइफ में कितना होगा?
Living in India itself creates tremendous pressure even on a super human being, and if you happen to be just an ordinary citizen, and not even remotely connected to a मंत्री or an MLA, you are doomed; which translates into a situation that you cannot write any name of department that you serve ( or do not serve for that matter ) on your vehicle (You are double doomed actually)
Imagine a situation:
Present day, location - some bylane of Siddharth Extension, South Delhi, you smilingly having a wet gaze (wet because you are sweating in f****ing 43 degrees, and not anything remotely dirty as you might think) on your new i10. You heart swells with pride by just thinking how you managed a car loan from SBI (only after 8 weeks, and 5 meetings with the manager) to fulfll your dream of driving the very same machine king drives himself. Though in your truest heart you are aware that its the biggest farce that Shahrukh Khan is subjecting the populace to, by letting them believe that he drives an i10, and uses नवरत्न तेल and powder, eats Chawanprash !(Though he drives a BMW, and for all you know, uses सांडे का तेल )
The car, standing next to the thela of kallu the ironman (Kapaday press karanaywalla), actually displacing it because so far you havent managed a parking slot of your own, looks beautiful. Fully Loaded, gleaming Prussian Blue all of it (Where the heck these car guys get the bugging colour names?), but something is still missing. You have the new number plate displaying the special number ending with 00 (cos you paid 5 grands for it), the insurance / RC is complete, and you already have got the teflon polish done anticipating the rains, (even though they are 3 mnths late, and the met department says we will have shitty monsoon, keeping the trend of past few years).
You thoughfully (considering it is your first four wheeler), open the door for your wife, (who is in her Sunday best, even though it is tuesday today) and get ready to pay your visit to the temple, and get the car blessed from the Head Priest of the Hanuman Temple at Rajiv Chowk (CP for all you oldies)
Your eyes are glued to the road, sorry, to the rear of the other cars (because in Delhi you cant see the roads mostly), and suddenly realize your biggest mistake! You still dont have an identity of your car and you are daring to challenge the roads of Delhi. Sweat beads appear on your forehead, (head actually, since Delhi water has accentuated your receding hairline, you have a large forehead). Just when you are trying to shift your attention from the continuous blabbering of your wife, an auto overtakes you from your left - wait it is not an Auto, it is "HAPPY DI GADDI". You veer to your right, and almost collide with a bike which has PRESS written behind it. As you come to a sudden halt at the Maharani Bag chowk, you find your self trapped amidst hundred of cars, sorry, mins of finance, min of defence, NDTV, DILLI Nagar Palika, and other identified vehicles.
Not only do these vehicles have indentity of their own, but also signify the weight the owner carries, which translates into less hassles when you are caught at the crossroads by the most efficient Dilli Police ka Thulla. Accha that is why your padosi Tanejaji's 118NE has written EX MLA written all over it, and the words GORAKHPUR written below it, in so small a font that even a grasshopper would have to use a lense. Even though Tanejaji is not an ex mla, nor is he from Gorakhpur, but surely his Chachaji in UP is .
Your trouble is increased because A) You dont want to stoop so low as to write Babbu and Rishi ki Gaddi (Dont wanna convert your dream machine into an auto), and B) Because you dare not write JAL NIGAM on your car, because the its just April, and come June , when the temperature rises to 48 degrees, people in the street will start pelting stones at your car, because they are getting running water only twice a day, 30 mins each time.... courtsey your department - JAL NIGAM...
You are doomed, unless you also find a दूर का चाचा who had ever served in police (even as a Hawaldar will do, as long as you get to paint your number plate in, a blue and red rhombus - Police Symbol).

You are double doomed, because your other neighbour, Shekhawat, drives a Sumo, which has written all over it GUDGAON KESARI - GAJJU PAHALWAN (गुडगाँव केसरी - गज्जू पहलवान)

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